


Guilty

by sketchbookreader



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Crying, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Sokka/Yue (Avatar), Vomiting, literally just comfort with some sokka angst, not descriptive but it's there, sokka can't remember his mom's face:(, sokka is guilty, they'll get through it, zuko is sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26468944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketchbookreader/pseuds/sketchbookreader
Summary: "Sokka felt guilty.Zuko knew he did.He had told Zuko, months ago, when the war had just come to an end and their relationship was fresh, about how he couldn't quite remember his mother's face."or: Sokka has trauma too; it takes time to heal, especially when there are setbacks.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 244





	Guilty

Sokka felt guilty.

Zuko knew he did.

He had told Zuko, months ago, when the war had just come to an end and their relationship was fresh, about how he couldn't quite remember his mother's face. He was quiet, then, such a contrast to his usual bright smile and witty personality that Zuko was taken aback for a moment. As Sokka stared into the turtle-duck pond while he contemplated this newfound information, Zuko remembered Katara's cruel words: You didn't love her the way I did. He recalled the crestfallen look on Sokka's face, aware of the fact that his expression back then mirrors the expression that rests on his face now as he avidly avoids the gaze of his partner.

He had asked Zuko, in a choked voice a few weeks after that initial confession, if it would be alright if he kept a small picture in their room of Yue that he had an artist draw at the Northern Water Tribe. Zuko watched as he delicately held the image in his almost imperceptibly trembling hands, gaze on the floor in, once again, a display of vulnerability. Zuko understood that asking him for permission wasn't really what Sokka was worried about-- Zuko was perceptive, and he easily read between the lines to decipher all that was unsaid. It was simple, really. He knew Sokka didn't want to forget another face of someone he loved. 

Of course, Zuko agreed, with a gentle touch and a soft smile, and from then on Sokka left the photo on the top of their dresser within their shared chamber. It lay mostly undisturbed, save for the few times when Sokka would pick it up and regard it with a mix of both longing and calculation, desperately trying to burn the image into his memory. Zuko would watch him, during these intermittent moments, and ache for his boyfriend and all that he had already lost. 

What neither of them expected was an attempted assassination inside their bedroom. Sure, they had both already dealt with attempts before, Zuko more than anyone, but both of them had always been alone when one had occurred. Neither expected an attacker to sneak through their window in the dead of night, when they were both trained fighters with the Kyoshi warriors posted outside the door. Really, it was ridiculous that anyone even tried it; the attacker was too cocky for his own good, evidenced by the fact that he let the window slam shut behind him as soon as he hit the floor. 

Zuko's eyes immediately flew open. Shooting up ramrod straight, he redirected the fire aimed towards his and Sokka's bed, catching both their curtains and dresser on fire in an instant. He shouted as he moved off of the bed and onto the floor, and distantly registered Sokka's voice calling for the guards while he continued to fight the assassin. In no time at all, multiple Kyoshi warriors burst into the room, effectively capturing the attacker and dragging him from the room. The smell of burning wood and fabric prompted some of the other guards to quickly retrieve buckets of water to throw onto the fire Zuko had redirected. 

The closing of the door behind them left Zuko with a heavy silence, the only sound being his heavy breathing as he bent over and rested his hands on his knees to catch his breath. Suddenly, he heard a pained wail come from the bed behind him. He whipped his head around in time to see Sokka rush from the bed to the remains of their dresser, crying out once more. "Sokka?" Zuko questions as his boyfriend begins desperately digging through the charred wood pile of their dresser, staining his hands with dark ash. 

"I can't, I can't, I-it's gone," Sokka gasps, fingers jerking over the burned dresser. 

It clicks in Zuko's head. 

He surges over to the dresser and bends down to help search for the drawing of Yue, sending a prayer that it was somehow unscathed. 

It wasn't.

Zuko cautiously places the piece of singed paper in Sokka's hands, searching his face for how he was feeling. All that was left was the bottom of Yue's shoulder and the end of one of her long braids. He watched as Sokka's face crumpled in an instant. 

"Hey, I know, I know," Zuko whispers as Sokka places what's left of Yue's picture on the ground and folds in on himself with a broken moan. 

Zuko pulls his curled form into his lap, wrapping his arms around him tightly while he continues to sob harder than Zuko has ever witnessed. Never has he seen Sokka like this. Not when he wakes up from nightmares that leave him exhausted for days afterwards, not when he breaks down from the stress of being a councilman, not when he's recovering from the aftermath of another assassination attempt. If those moments were bad already, this is a hundred times worse. 

Sokka cries, body shaking so hard Zuko's worried it won't ever stop. 

He trembles and moans and his tunic sticks to his back as he starts sweating. No matter what his boyfriend said, Sokka knows it is definitely not okay. He's going to forget. He's going to forget her face just like he forgot his mothers and then he'll feel so guilty and then he wont be able to sleep and then-- He started sliding down Zuko's chest to lay his head down on the floor because he suddenly became dizzy enough that he thought he would’ve keeled over. 

“Sokka, hey-,” he heard Zuko say, “Sit up for me, okay? You'll choke if you lay down like that.”

Sokka just sobs harder as he’s gently pulled up into a sitting position once again. Zuko rubs circles on his back as he hyperventilates, whispering soft words using the voice he reserves for turtle-ducks and panic attacks. “Breathe,” he tells Sokka. 

“I-I can’t,” Sokka chokes out. “I can’t-,” he wails again while his chest heaves as his breathing continues to worsen. Suddenly, his senses overload, and his body flushes with heat. He tries to sit back from Zuko's chest to rid himself of the warmth. “Sokka, what--,” Zuko begins. 

“Hot,” Sokka keens through his ragged breathing.

“Okay, Sokka. I know, I know you are. Listen to me, listen to my breathing,” he gently takes Sokka's hands and draws his shaking form back against his body. “You're doing so good. You'll feel cooler once you calm down, alright? You can do it."

His hands run the span of Sokka's back, and he exaggerates his breathing enough to get Sokka to latch on and slowly but surely match his. Zuko keeps whispering kind words until Sokka's heart seems like it might actually stay inside his chest. Now that he wasn't hyperventilating, he starts talking, unintelligible words mixing with his tears all conveying the same meaning: he was going to forget, Zuko doesn't understand, it's not okay--

Zuko just listens, stroking the hair back from Sokka's sweaty forehead as he holds him to his chest, waiting for his tears to abate. 

As his sobs transitions from loud, broken cries to a slow, steady stream of tears Zuko takes the opportunity to pull Sokka's tunic over his head, hoping to provide him some relieve from the damp material. His body was still overheating, and Zuko wasn't surprised to hear him whimper, "Zuko, I-I don't feel g-good."

"Do you need to go to the bathroom?" he asks, hoping the feeling of what is most likely nausea will pass.

"Yes," Sokka whispers. "I think... I'm gonna t-throw up."

Not wanting to worry with vomit on their rug as well, Zuko picks him up easily and deposits him in front of the toilet just in time for Sokka to vomit up what was left in his stomach from dinner.

His sobs are back full force now, and his hands clasp the edge of the toilet with an iron grip as his body heaves and shakes. Zuko stands up and quickly grabs for a towel, wets it in the sink, and places it on the back of Sokka's neck as his other hand brushes the strands of hair from his eyes, pulling it back into a messy version of Sokka's usual wolf-tail. 

Once it seems like his bout of nausea has abated, Sokka rests his cheek on the cool edge of the toilet seat, closing his eyes and letting his chin wobble as his cries slow once again. Zuko knows he's exhausted.

"Hey," he whispers, "Do you want me to run a bath?" 

Sokka's watery, puffy eyes are unfocused, but he opens them to roam Zuko's concerned face. Unable to formulate words, Sokka stays silent, simply nodding defeatedly in response to Zuko's question.

He closes his eyes once again and listens as Zuko gets up to turn on the faucet in their tub and search for some towels and clean clothes for afterwards. Left without Zuko's presence next to him, Sokka's mind immediately jumps back to Yue. He knows he needs to calm down again, knows he needs to breathe and relax, but he can't stop thinking about it, can't stop thinking about how someday he'll forget what she looks like, it's already fading and becoming blurry in his mind, so what's to stop him from forgetting altogether? What if it happens tomorrow? What if--

Zuko's hand is back on his shoulder blades, and he feels horrible, feels like a burden, but Zuko is calmly talking to him like normal, telling him that he's okay, that he needs to breathe so he doesn't throw up again, that his bath is ready when he is.

After a few moments of trying to calm down, Sokka stands shakily, leaning heavily on his boyfriend until he sits on the edge of the tub and slowly eases himself into the water. He stays silent as he leans back, sobs and shaking on hold but tears steadily dripping down his chin into the bath water. He feels Zuko's hand on his forehead, probably checking for a fever, and relishes in the feeling of his cool palm on his overheated body. 

Zuko moves his hand from his forehead to brush the few strands of hair he missed away from Sokka's eyes, and sits quietly next to him as Sokka cools off and regulates his breathing.

Once he seems alright, Zuko gently takes Sokka's hand, still stained from the ash of the dresser, and carefully cleans it and everywhere else on his body that he touched. He takes his time, trying not to scrub to hard or too fast as to not overstimulate Sokka's already drained body.

When he's done, Zuko is ready with a towel to dry him off and a fresh pair of underwear and pants, and Sokka stays still and pliant in an exhausted stupor while Zuko dries and redresses him. While he's working, Zuko talks. Sokka registers him explaining what he'll do, how he'll ask the same artist to draw another picture of her, how it may take a few weeks to arrive, and how he knows it's not the same but it's something, and Sokka feels himself calm even more at his words. He's being irrational, he knows it's not the end of the world but it feels like it, and all he wants is to sleep until the new drawing arrives. 

As Zuko pulls his pants up to hang on his hips, Sokka reaches out his arms for Zuko, falling easily into his embrace. He closes his eyes, still feeling lightheaded, and focuses on the feeling of Zuko's hands stroking up and down his back. His eyes hurt from crying, and his stomach hurt from vomiting, and his whole body aches from tensing and shaking for so long. 

He savors this feeling of comfort until he hears Zuko's voice in his ear. "Hey, baby," he murmurs, "Do you want to try and lay down on the bed together?" 

Sokka nods into his chest and feels Zuko slowly walk them backwards until his calfs hit the edge of the bed. He feels Zuko lower him to the mattress and pulls the sheets over him and then distantly registers him leave the room. He hears his muffled voice ask the Kyoshi warrior positioned outside to tell the other councilmen to postpone all of the meetings both he and Sokka had scheduled for tomorrow. 

As Zuko comes back inside and quietly shuts the door behind him, Sokka opens his eyes to blink up blearily at him while he crawls into bed. 

"Okay?" Zuko asks, pulling Sokka into his arms.

"Yeah," he breathes, closing his eyes once again and letting his worn out body relax into Zuko's.

He knows he'll wake up tomorrow morning and probably panic all over again. He knows Zuko will be there, just like he always is, to calm him down. He knows Zuko will follow through on his words and send a messenger hawk to the North Pole before the day is over. He knows everything is going to be okay. 

He falls into a dreamless sleep, surrounded by the warmth and comfort of Zuko's body, and waits for the morning to come.


End file.
